Shelter

This is surprising. You know how you blog in your head? Well, that’s what I do ever since I started this blog 6 months ago. I write in my head and think of topics I want to be sure I post about, then I hear the phrases I want to write in my head throughout the day. Today I had one in my mind before actually going to the event the post was going to be about. And now I’m all off, because my response wasn’t quite what I’d expected.

Sam and I started school today. I found a great parent/toddler program at a Waldorf School. We go for one morning a week. We’re not really considering Waldorf for Sam’s education later on and I’ll probably write more about that as I learn more about it, but what this program does for children this young I think is really right on. It’s very much based on imaginative play, imitation, and showing children how to find joy in their work through our own example. Pretty progressive, and that’s what I thought this post would discuss. While I think of myself as a fairly progressive parent I know I am by no means anywhere near the end of the spectrum. I’m used to being with moms from the club where I tend to come off as pretty crunchy. This was going to be a situation where I fell more on the other end, and I knew this as I sat at our first meeting among several knitting women. I felt self-conscious going to “school” today and found that I constantly pulled down Sam’s shirt to cover up the fact that he was not in a cloth diaper. But other than that I really don’t have much to say on the issue. I didn’t feel uncomfortable and I liked the program. Maybe I’ll write more about what we do one day later but for now I have a different issue to address.

Sam is the youngest in the class, which ranges from 15 months of age up to 3 years. He did pretty well for most of the morning. There are certainly different expectations of him since he is different developmentally, and I did my best to be reasonable in what we could expect from him. So he spent a lot of time outside of the activity and watching or exploring something else altogether. It was also his first time there and his first time doing anything like this for so long (2 ½ hours). Anyway, here’s what I didn’t expect to be writing about today…

I’m worried about the influence that older children have on Sam. Sam is still very sweet. He hasn’t really hit the tantrum phase yet. He does not scream except for when he feels wronged, like when I pull him away from something he is exploring. He is not violent – he has started swinging his arms at us sort of like hitting just a bit and I think it’s because he gets a new and different reaction. But for the most part violence has not crossed his mind because he’s had no experience with it. And Waldorf is certainly very peace driven, making my concerns today that much further from my mind going in.

I saw some stuff I didn’t really like. One kid bit another child and I saw very little response from the biter’s mom. I saw 2 girls hitting each other and again not much in the way of ramifications. And 3 times one child took a toy that Sam was playing with, which really upset him, and the mom of the thief hadn’t even seen it happen. I know all of this is normal kid stuff. I know. I know Sam will be exposed to these kinds of things and that eventually we will be dealing with these very issues when he is the biter/stealer/hitter. And the toy taking is totally normal behavior. He does that at playgroups too but the difference is that I am there to mediate, trade toys, redirect, so forth. My problem is with the lack of mediation among the parents. And I don’t know if that is some sort of Waldorf discipline thing I am not aware of, although that seems very unlikely considering everything else I know about the philosophy, or if this is just these parents, or if it is the setting where the parents are supposed to be “finding joy” in their baking of bread and sewing their doll and so they really aren’t seeing these things…I don’t know. But I know I left there worried about what Sam might pick up from watching and interacting with older kids. I don’t want him to see kids hitting each other yet because it’s just not something I want him to learn…ever. That’s unreasonable, yes. But not so soon, you know. And as I saw from a distance a child walk up and take his toy and his face turn red as he started to cry I was really torn. Things will not always go his way – people may wrong him – but when is it appropriate for him to see that?

For the first time the word “shelter” did not have the negative connotation it has always had for me. I mean, if he had been the one bitten or hit I would have freaked out. And then if no one dealt with the child who hurt him I would have freaked out more. The mom of the one taking his toy was busy sewing her bookmark and she never knew that my son’s crying had anything to do with her daughter, and that’s ok. They all take each other’s toys and we deal with it the best we can until they are old enough that they can understand sharing and empathy. Fine. But dude, I just don’t want him to see kids being violent and I certainly don’t want him on the receiving end of it. I wanted to go home and lock us up in our apartment so that we could play catch with the beach ball and feed each other toast. I wanted to shelter him, which is not what I have ever wanted before. Ironic since my biggest problem with the Waldorf philosophy is that it seems to set forth sort of an “us and them” negative view of the world and our culture. I don't want to lose him...and I don't want to lock us up...and I don't want him to find out that others can physically hurt him...and I don't want him to be afraid of the world...and I definately don't want him acting like a 3 year old yet.