E. & I. R.I.P.

Remember Ebony and Ivory? Yeah? Well, they both bit it today. I know, pretty freakin' fast if you ask me. How long did they live, like 10 days? I realize I'm being crass and nonchalant about death here. It made me sad, it made Hubby sadder, but I had to move on pretty quickly and deal with the damage.

When I discovered Ebony floating mid-tank and Ivory upside-down behind one of the plants I knew I had to move fast. I distracted Sam with Sesame Street (tv is an excellent distraction for a kid that watches very little tv) so that I could flush said dead fish down the toilet without a toddler seeing the heinous act I was about to commit. And so it was done, fish were flushed and Sam was none the wiser. Not a great way to start the morning, but not a total tragedy either.

Then it was time for breakfast. Unfortunately for me I had forgotten that Ebony and Ivory had become part of our morning ritual. Sam would watch them eat their food while waiting for me to finish making his breakfast. Then we all, including the fish, had breakfast together. So I decided to make his breakfast first and not put him in his seat until it was done, hoping food would deter him from the empty fish tank. No go. I put him in his seat and gave him his very favorite breakfast, scrambled egg with cheese and raisin toast (yeah, you heard me right - I fed him the breakfast I last saw spewed on the inside of my car in order to create a diversion. I was desperate) and yet the first thing he did was point to the fish tank. Crap. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. They're gone. The fish are gone and I have a toddler pointing to them waiting for me to make a big deal of feeding them and turning on their light and saying good morning to them so he can sit and wave to the fish while he eats his breakfast!

And so I did what any good, lying, conniving, petrified, desperate mother would do. I went and got the fish food and turned on the light and fed that empty fish tank. I sat back down and waved and said hello and good morning to Ebony and Ivory and joined my son in waving to "the fish."

I've spent the rest of the morning trying to divert him every time he points to the tank and starts walking over to visit them. We've watched a lot of tv as a result, which I hate but it does the job - "Look Sam, Elmo," eyes glaze over as he walks zombie like back to the living room. It's a choice between that and his discovering that the fish have disappeared and Mommy is a big fat FAKER/LIAR/FISH KILLER. I don't know how long I can keep up this charade. After this nap we'll have lunch and I'll have to sit and wave and talk to the fish all over again, displaying a gruesome performance of dishonesty for the sake of my son. And I know I can't put new fish in the water the dead fish were in because they'll just die and probably faster this time around. Which means I have to clean out the whole tank first and then cycle the fresh water for another 48 hours! I'd better go tivo some more Sesame Streets...