I know, I know. I've not been around very much, not been posting, not been commenting (I have been reading your blogs though, just so you know). You may recall when I warned you all that I was going to take blog break to do NaNoWriMo
and you have jumped to the logical conclusion that that is what I'm up to, that is, if you even noticed my absence and bothered to jump to a conclusion. Well, I've written 3 chapters...all right, 2 and 1/2. I have my whole outline of the plot and my characters and all that. I just really havn't felt motivated to write during the extremely rare times when I've actually had the opportunity. So no certificate or whatever it is for me. I still plan to write the thing, just not in one month.
So what the hell have I been doing, you ask? House hunting. Yep. Well, not real house hunting, not yet. We still have about 7 months on this lease, but we decided we should go ahead and start looking at what was out there in different areas and stuff since we've never bought before and are totally freaked out by it. How do you people do this? How do you make these decisions? I've been going to open houses and driving around and looking at houses my agent is sending me and reading the details of hundreds of listings and I'm already stressed yet barely have begun. I can't narrow this down at all. And what's more - I think I might be old, because the 'burbs are lookin' real good to me right now. When Hubby and I discuss this we always decide we aren't ready to leave the city yet, but I tell ya when I'm out there looking at what's available in our price range I'm really leaning toward that little rancher with the small fenced yard and super high taxes (better schools) over that 3 story rowhouse with no parking but leaves us with money to spare. All right, that's an exaggeration. But the point is this is freakin' hard and I already feel like I'm going to have an aneurism. How do you do it and avoid a panic attack? Yesterday, for the first time, I actually liked one of the houses I saw and it felt like a panic attack because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I don't think I can keep this up for 7 more months.
You know what else I'm totally indecisive about? Babies. It's this whole second child thing. See, about 2 months ago I was totally thinking Hubby and I would be officially "trying" by now. I was thinking around the time Sam was 18 months old would be a good time to get started. I talked about it all summer. Seriously, I was ready. Went off the pill and everything. Even almost wanted to go ahead and get going, if you know what I mean, because I was baby crazy. Now...not so much. And I don't really know what happened. I kind of just want to hang out with Sam. The apprehension about the second baby thing might have started when we had that incident at the playground
. You know, he got hurt while I was trapped holding a baby. And I see other moms unable to do things with their toddlers because they're holding a younger child and I just don't want to let go of any of that with Sam. I just can't quite envision how it all works. Then I look at other moms and calculate the ages of their children in my head and see that they're doing just fine and think, "I could do that," and recognize that it will always be scary to make such a decision.
But the thing is, how do I say this, I have started to feel like I might resent another child for getting in the way of my relationship with Sam. And I hate to use the word 'resent' because it feels so harsh, especially when talking about a newborn of all things, but that's the best word I've got. I'm trying to be honest here. Are these feelings normal? For those of you that have more than one child, did you experience anything like that either when making the decision or as you waited for the second to arrive or even after the baby came? I can't tell if this is an actual change of mind and we're really not ready, or if it's just normal apprehension because the decision is so close at hand and therefore more real. Because really I can't imagine that there would ever come a time when I'm not worried about losing my time with Sam due to another baby; that threat will always be there no matter when we decide to do this. It's quite a change though. All of a sudden I feel very protective of my time with him and my ability to give him my undivided attention. And then someone passes me their 3 month old at a playgroup and Sam walks up and gently pets her head and I wonder what we're waiting for...